What's For Dinner? Beef with Carrot and Avocado Salad

Today was "get stuff done" day. I needed to go pick up the flea treatment for the cats at the vet, went grocery shopping, did the vacuuming, cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen and dining room, and sorted some of my yarn in the basket by my recliner in the living room. After all that, I took the rest of the day for me - and my Olympic knitting project.

One thing I've noticed as I've been reporting my meals here, is that my eyes are still definitely bigger than my stomach. I did eat all the steak on my plate, but maybe a third of the salad, and half of the rice. The  amounts recorded are what I ate, rather than what is pictured. I honestly think at this point, a three-item dinner is still too much for me. I don't really need a "starch", so I purposefully leave most of that for last, but I rarely finish both that and my vegetables when I do serve myself three items.

Tomorrow may be interesting, I'm supposed to have a "light dinner" since it's the night before surgery - even though I'm sure whatever I could eat would be classified as light, I think I'll probably switch up what I eat a bit and having my yogurt and cheese for dinner.

My Meals

Breakfast

• Dannon Light & Fit raspberry yogurt
• Sargento Light String Cheese

Lunch

• Salad made of: 
• 2.5 oz left over chicken breast from the scalloppine (no red sauce)
• 1.5 cups romaine
• 1 roma tomato
• 2 radishes
• 1.5 tbsp Ken's Buttermilk Ranch dressing

Snack

• Sargento Light String Cheese

Dinner

• 3 oz sirloin steak
• 1/4 cup serving Carrot Avocado Salad
• 1/6 cup red rice
• .5 tsp butter

Water - 60 oz

Daily Totals: 813 calories, 42.3g fat, 43.2g carbohydrates, 16.8g sugars, 68.4g protein

Non Scale Victories

While losing weight on any program, surgical or not, it's easy to get tunnel vision and focus just on the number on the scale. Many of us celebrate what is known as "non-scale victories" to keep a well-rounded view of our success. These can be as simple as fitting into a favorite old pair of jeans (see Progresso Soup ad: is there a woman I can talk to?), or running into an old acquaintance who does a double-take after not recognizing you at first.

I have several recent non-scale victories (or NSVs) to report - each of them made me happy in and of themselves, but this mini-collection all coming within a few days really was a bit of a mood boost.

1. My wedding rings were getting loose enough that I was worried they might slip off - plus the solitaire was constantly spinning around and getting in the way while I type. I took them in to the jeweler for my semi-annual cleaning and inspection, and asked if there was a temporary spacer of sorts that I could use - I'm not done losing weight yet, and I only want to get them sized once, when I'm done. The jeweler happily put on what she called a "ring guard" - it's a small straight piece of metal that fits inside the circle of the ring, it's ends bending around the outside - creating a flat "bottom" to the ring that cuts down on the amount of space in the middle. They fit perfectly now! Plus after the cleaning, they're nice and extra sparkly again :)

2. Way back in ancient history (junior high and high school), I was actually quite a decent long-distance runner. Obviously running, or even jogging, at over 300 pounds is not very practical. However, as I'm zooming in on 250, I decided to give it a try during my treadmill workouts. I have now incorporated 2 minutes of jogging at the 10 minute mark in my workouts. I feel like a lumbering water buffalo, but y'all - I'm jogging!

3. Today I decided to switch up my exercise routine a bit and instead of the treadmill I pulled out my copy of the Biggest Loser "Power Sculpt" DVD. I hadn't really done this in almost 2 years - I stopped after Baby J was placed with us, and never really took it back up. I learned three things from doing Level 1 of that video:

• Your balance changes significantly when your body shape changes with 80 pounds of weight loss. It was nearly comical how frequently I started to get wobbly and almost fall over when doing any move that required some balance. 
• I can actually sit cross-legged now - it's not comfortable, but I can do it. 
• I can lace my fingers together behind my back - when  first did this video, I couldn't grasp them at all. 

4.  I ordered a new sports bra.  Those things are supposed to keep you firmly in place, so when things really start puckering and dangling during "Down Dog" - it's time for a smaller one.

So what have your recent non-scale victories been? Please share!!

Clothes Shopping - Still Demoralizing

I have a confession to make - I hate clothes shopping. Lots of women do, and not just heavy women, I know. I'll also confess that my weight and fit issues made it easiest to wear "pull-on" type pants - you know, granny pants with elastic waists. Sure, they were denim or twill, but still - not exactly fashion forward. My jeans of this style have been progressively falling off my ass - that's good, right? You'd think with 75 pounds less on my body, I'd certainly be needing smaller clothes. I went through the sizes I had in my closet, plus the next smaller one I'd bought right before surgery. It was time to get a pair in the next couple sizes down.

So the Man and I went shopping yesterday afternoon - I figured I'd try a pair of zip-front jeans, after all, I was working in 4 sizes smaller than I'd started out, something should fit, right?

How wrong could I have been? First issue, was that Catherine's appears to have stopped carrying the jeans I've been buying for years. The store had a pair in both 18 and 16 - the 18 will probably fit in about 5-10 more pounds, and the way I'm dropping, picking up the 16 probably was a wise idea. But then I tried on some "curvy" styled zip-front jeans. The 22 was laughable - not a chance it was coming up over my hips. So I snagged a 26, thinking that had to work. Wrong - I got them up over my still-substantial ass, but there wasn't a chance they were going to button and zip.

I just wanted to cry. 75 pounds, and I still can't wear a normal pair of pants. I know I still have a long way to go - but my god, 75 pounds is like a 5th grader, shouldn't that be making more of a difference? I know that the Man and I agreed that after my loss is at goal, and we resolve the IVF issue one way or the other, that we'll get me the plastic surgery needed to remove excess skin and get the girls back to where they belong, etc. But I can't help but feel like I'll be a freak for a couple years - trading fat freak for drooping dangling skin freak.

I just want to be normal.

Treasures from the Closet

I think most women do this: you have a favorite outfit or a few pieces of clothing that you just can't bear to get rid of even if they no longer fit. They hang in your closet (or live in a box) until that unspecified time at which you might be able to wear it again. Never mind if it has shoulder pads worthy of a linebacker that went out of style in 1987 - it was something you absolutely loved.

I have a few of those gems still. Clothes that survived multiple moves, Hurricane Charley, and my two-car-load escape from my previous marriage. The first item that I could potentially wear again is a spring dress. It's a black cotton princess-seamed button-front dress, with tiny little red and pink roses on it - almost giving a polka-dot effect. I distinctly remember wearing it when I weighed 265 - a time when a man I was dating came to visit me where I was living in Pacific Grove, CA.

I'm struggling with two major things right now: my perception of myself, and the realization that coming back down through some of these numbers isn't quite the same as being at them on the way up - I've got bigger, wobblier arms than I did back then, and while it's shrinking, I still have a belly that's deflating, rather than completely disappearing.

So what does this have to do with clothes? Quite simply, I'm scared. I want to dig that dress out of the box it's sitting in at the bottom of my office closet, give it a fresh wash, and look absolutely smashing in it. I'm quite fearful that I'll try and put it on, and my arms will look like sausages in the short sleeves, an my belly will stick out weirdly instead of having the fabric flow nicely over it, and the whole thing will make me cry instead of being a happy celebration of wearing a favorite pretty outfit.

So far I keep staring at the closet, but haven't worked up the courage to even open the door.

Photographic Evidence

I avoid cameras like the plague. I hate pictures of myself, because although I'm painfully aware that I'm fat, my mental image of me still doesn't match up with the reality. We took this first set of pictures just before I started the 3-week pre-op diet, so I was down roughly 15 pounds from the starting point. These are absolutely painful to look at, but if I'm going to create a true record of this journey, I need to have them. Ignore the keening and weeping sounds, that's just me huddled in the corner in epic embarrassment.

Beginning of 3-week pre-op (November 8, 2011)



And 1 month post-op, taken just before we left for my follow-up with the surgeon.



I don't personally see a whole lot of change, though the pants are one size smaller. Ugh - you guys can look at these, I'll continue to close my eyes and sing "la, la, la, there's no pictures of me on the internet".