What an awful week. Coming out of the Event anniversary was emotionally loaded, and then we had Thanksgiving to deal with; now loaded with residual despair from last year. We decided to go ahead and make a holiday meal - with components that were as close to compliant to my eating plan as possible. We brined and roasted the turkey, I made roast carrots and parsnips (that had just a bit of butter and honey in the whole dish), a cauliflower mash as well as traditional mashed potatoes, and my favorite onion gravy. I made a plate that had the appropriate amount of protein on it, plus the veggie serving allowed. I did add gravy and a bit of cornbread, but I think it was overall a very successful meal on a day when I would have traditionally cooked much more in terms of foods I shouldn't be eating on the 3-week prep.
In my last post, I mentioned the scale claimed I was up practically 6 pounds - it hung on to that all week, and generated all sorts of nasty fears and doubts in me. I suspected I might have been retaining some water - my wedding rings had started to really twirl around my finger the week before, and they weren't doing that any more. Pudgy fingers is the first sign of bloat for me - but I'm not used to it happening, I generally don't have PMS symptoms other than some cramping. But - I did recall that being on the surgeon required birth control now, that it may very well have changed how my body behaved. I was due for my Depo shot this morning, so last week was definitely "PMS" territory.
Of course, that didn't avoid a complete melt-down last night - the fear and anxiety of what the changes in my life will really be like has been building over the last 3 weeks, particularly as the hunger and dizziness really haven't gone away as many others in my program have said they experienced. I'd eaten my protein and veggie meal for lunch, thinking I'd transition into the liquids required of today - and when the Man came in and asked if I wanted him to cook me dinner, I lost it.
He told me if I was that afraid, there was still plenty of time to back out - and even if I thought I couldn't - I really could, we could just tell them we're not coming when they call today and give me my "report in" time. But, as I told him, I have to do this - not just because we want a family, but even if we don't get that, I want to be healthy as we grow old - to be able to go on cruises and not get pooped out in the middle of Helsinki again, and to be able to walk and tour more. Quite simply, I'm tired of being fat.
So with the wonderful blessings of Ambien, I had a good night's sleep - woke up this morning as he left for work at 5am, and am in a much better frame of mind. I went shopping for my "clear liquid/full liquid" food items for when we return from the hospital, picked up my post-discharge meds, and am back doing the last of the housework that I'll be allowed to do for several weeks.
Despite threats of throwing my scale out the window (or hiding the batteries from me) - I found it intact this morning. And while it had a hard time making up it's mind, it finally settled on 304 - so all that "mystery" weight gone, and 3.6 pounds further down - which feels much more like it for what I accomplished this last week.
Just after I got home from shopping this morning, Libby called to wish me well tomorrow. I was surprised, but very pleased to hear from her. She's been thinking about me, and with as many clients as she has, I know that takes extra "effort" (not the best word, but I can't find the one I want to use) for her - it would be easy to leave all your clients issues at the office and not think about them afterward, so I'm thankful that I apparently have had an impact on her while she has been hugely impactful on me.
So now I put some of my famous determination to work - I can do anything for a mere 24 hours - broth, thinned yogurt and sugar free pudding, and one more protein shake. Sometime tomorrow morning (they haven't called with my time yet) - I'll get wheeled into the OR, and hopefully this hunger will be gone for the next 6-12 months, and when it comes back - it will be much more manageable.
I'm still nervous - but I do believe I've been able to set aside the doubts.
I'll see you all on the other side.