Anxiety - I Don't Need You

The ass incision has been mean to me again - I've resorted to diaper cream to keep the skin irritation around it in check. I changed my mind one what I wanted the surgeon to do - the rubber band treatment just seems overwhelming, 6-8 weeks of weekly visits to have it adjusted - where a visit to his office takes at least 2.5 hours in the middle of the day. My work is flexible, but that's just ... ugh. So I called them yesterday and asked that they use the "better" version of the plug they used last time, and I'm really hoping that it takes care of things this time. The rubber band, or worse - the cut through the sphincter muscle leaving me incontinent for 6 weeks until they can go back and sew up the muscle - aren't attractive at all.

I had my first Macro Economics exam last night, I won't know my score until the test window closes tomorrow night at 11pm, so Thursday morning for me, since that's way past my bed time. I think I did pretty good, but we'll have to see.

My anxiety has started creeping up a bit with work - the project I'm working on is going well, but some unforeseen situations at the corporate level have led to a lock-down on any systems changes for over a week now - it's scheduled to be lifted Monday morning. A couple of my installs have been delayed because of it, and I'm concerned that additional unexpected change control periods will come up, crowding an already narrow window to get all of my installs done before the year-end code freeze. The SVP I'm working with reviewed my install schedule today and wanted to make sure I had back-up dates for each of them (a bit of a misunderstanding on my part from a previous conversation with him), and pointed out how close to the year-end freeze a couple of the dates were. Those are very reasonable observations, and I have to keep reminding myself that comments such as those about my work or my plans are not negative criticism - as in he's unhappy with me - but observations meant to help me succeed. In response, I've pushed on my team a bit to deliver two of the projects a week earlier than scheduled so that we have that extra week leeway in install scheduling - we'll see if they push back too much on that in the morning.

I've been feeling the anxiety physically during the day, to the point I'm considering taking a half dose of my meds in the morning (vs the one dose I've been taking at night) - the usual prescription is twice a day, but the full dose makes me sleepy, so I've been avoiding the morning one - maybe not such a good idea for now.

Thursday I have my bi-monthly Emergency Management Advisory Council meeting - I'm the outgoing chair of the group, though I have been accepted for a second 3-year term. I'll do that in the mid-afternoon, then in the evening my WLS program is having an open house in their new offices away from the main Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center campus. That open house is in place of the usual support group meeting, but it will still be good for me to go.

I think I just need to get past the first few installs of the batch we're working on to feel better about the whole situation. I've definitely got some things for my "lessons learned" review - mostly about how doing things for the first time always takes longer than you anticipate, and particularly at the Bank, getting systems access to things takes time, and is never as easy as it seems. Also I need to be a bit more proactive in obtaining the help I need in new situations - I let the learning curve be a couple weeks longer than it should have been.  I think the SVP will appreciate those self-observations, and I hope that my assignment will still be considered a success.

Blergh. OK - Everything will be fine, constructive suggestions are good, not bad. Breathe in, breathe out.

My Meals

Breakfast

•  3/4 cup Kashi Go Lean! cereal
• 1/3 cup whole milk

Lunch

• Salad composed of 1.5 cups romaine, 1.75oz left over beef tenderloin, a pinch of slivered almonds, 1 roma tomato, 2 radishes, and 1 tbsp Ken's Healthy Options Peppercorn & Parmesan dressing

Snack

• 1/2 oz low-sodium cashews

Dinner

• 2.5oz pork cutlet
• less than 1/4 cup green beans with parmesan, shallots, wine, and a touch of cream

Planned Snack

•  Yasso Frozen Greek Yogurt Bar - raspberry

Exercise - Increased the intensity on the treadmill by increasing the incline to 1.5% - 45 minutes, 3mph, 318 calories burned

Water - 60 oz

Daily Totals  781 calories, 39.6g fat, 56.2g carbohydrates, 25.4g sugars, 60.5g protein